Trigger warning: Mentions of low-self esteem, anorexia, mild framing of healthy eating as a positive thing (which might be interpreted as anti-fat or pro-diet).
Content warning: Self-analysis and freeform writing.
Well, that’s not how I identify, but it’s how everyone else sees me.
I see myself as an optimistic person. “Can we fix it? Yes we can!” I generally have a good attitude. Even though my life is admittedly sucky, I bear with it. It’s natural for me to have a little hope in my heart tucked into the corner. This little piece of light makes me just a bit happy, even when I’m depressed or angry.
But a part of that optimism is that I believe all these bad things in the world are fixable. And the thing is, even though I’m an optimist, I automatically see the negative things around me.
“Oh, this floor is dirty.”
“This ad is sexist because…”
“That’s a great idea you have! Here are a couple of the positives; but a lot of these negative things can happen, as follows…”
So people call me a “negative person” because I automatically see several possible outcomes or attributes that could be…”bad”.
It’s not my fault. At least, I don’t think it is. If I had a cutie mark, it’d be one of two things: Skill with drawing emotions or spotting deficiencies. (Well, the pun “drawing emotions” really works for both, though how people react to me and how my hand and pen magically blend are two different things).
Seeing the negative is something I’ve always done. When I was in sunday preschool, our teacher showed us a cartoon of Adam & Eve. They had grape leaves on their genitals, and I noticed this.
After the video I confronted my teacher. “Why did they wear leaves when they’re supposed to be naked?” My Pre-K teacher tried to explain censorship to a Pre-K kid. I decided that she insulted the entirety of childkind by assuming that kids couldn’t handle naked people.
I had seen my mom naked multiple times. I had seen my mom’s boyfriend piss because he left the door open and I would try to talk with him. I had seen a few kids without diapers of both sexes.
So it made zero sense to me as to why a teacher or video would cover up this stuff when it was literally all around me.
Later I would get into enough quarrels with her, other Christians, and my mom that I became an athiest. I was literally a toddler athiest.
I notice faults. Is it really my fault when it’s integral to my nature? That’s a question I’d like to talk about, philosophize about.
I’ve tried to ease up. I’ve tried to focus on positive qualities, but I’m just bad at that. I mean, I’m not really bad at it. I can see positive qualities all the time. I’m just terrible at explaining them and focusing on them when I see more pressing matters.
Most people are bad at giving positive criticism. What is there to say? We’re so used to anger, we have trouble forming positive reviews. The feeling of leaving a positive review leaves an aching, bubbly feeling in your stomach. Negativity is so much easier then happiness.
But if most people are like this, then why do they get mad at me for it? It’s not like they constantly compliment people. As an Asperger’s person, these things can be puzzling. But I believe I have deduced the answer:
I refuse to ignore defects.
I see them everywhere and I am compulsed to say them.
“Is your car kinda broken?”
“Are you sure that’s the best thing to say to her? She might feel a little unsafe if you say that to her. Going out on dates is hard.”
“How can you be a “tribal warrior” when you refuse to get into contact with your tribe and aren’t in the military?”
I ask armor-piercing questions. I’m learning to hold them in, but sometimes I can’t ignore it. Most people don’t say these things. But I feel wrong if I don’t say them. Like trying to hide that I know the murderer’s identity. Except it’s not that bad and it’s not a secret. It’s just that no one wants to hear it.
But I see it. We’re all assholes, including myself. I see the little problems in what people do; how it could possibly hurt others, how they could fix it. If I know you well enough, then I have an estimate probability of you being able to fix it compared to your willingness to fix it. Like a math problem. Except I’m bad at math in itself, finding flaws outside of that is easier.
I wish people didn’t hate criticism as much as they socially hate math. Maybe they hate criticism even more then that. I know handling personal criticism is tough. When it’s redirected at me, it hurts. But then, most of the “criticism” I get is either stale (“your video gave me cancer”) or incredibly shortened, or littered insults and a morality I don’t align to.
Why should I listen to someone criticising me if I don’t agree with the morals their criticizing me for? If a monogamist criticizes me for being a relationship anarchist, why should I listen to them? Then again, I’m sure that’s what all of the Trump nazis tell themselves when they recieve criticism from a “liberal”.
I wonder what would happen if I got thoroughly criticized by issues that were easily fixable? Maybe I’ve gotten them and dismissed them because I didn’t think they were easily fixable, even though they were. I have no idea.
And you know, it’s not just people. I see flaws in ideas, groups, laws. I see it within myself, too. My thoughts, my ideas, my problems. Even I’m not free from my Sight. I’m somewhat bad at fixing myself though.
But most people have that. Low self-esteem, I mean. Self-criticism. The bad kind of criticism, not the good kind. “Wow, Joe, maybe you should lighten up on the fries? *chomp* Nah.” “Omg, I look so fat. *scale shows 100 lbs* I really need to lose weight.”
The kind that just makes you feel terrible about yourself. The kind that tells you all the wrong things. The kind that makes you more depressed and angry.
But that’s not my kind of criticism, and I think people confuse mine for that. I mean, it’s not like I don’t have negative harmful thoughts. “Kill youself” is a regular. But that’s not what I’m doing when I criticize. When I criticize, I say “hey, something’s off here. It just needs some fixing and it’ll be great!”
But people don’t seem to realize that. At least not until they get close to me. They don’t see how I ignore politicians I hate and criticize what I love. Why would I criticize them? They’re disgusting and immoral and that’s all that needs to be said. Unless they’re a local politician and pointing it out would be of great benefit. Maybe prevent a bad law or get someone out of office early. And even then, I’m not that enthused.
I don’t criticize big things that have critics. There’s no need, and I don’t want to. I want to avoid their negativity.
What I really like is criticizing what I love. I love pointing out flaws to my loved ones and telling them how they could fix it. And I love them telling me off. I love and hate all the sweet problems they have regardless of how hard they try. We all have those. Me doing that is perhaps a flaw in and of itself. But we all have flaws, it’s a part of being human, nay, existing. We have to constantly try to better ourselves, no matter how perfect we get. (I’m looking at you, Tom Hiddleston.)
I love picking out all the racist bits of the shows I love. It’s so beautiful to point out their flaws. Maybe I can make it or them better. Most likely, I can’t. But I hope to raise awareness to these flaws; and maybe make the world a better educated place.
Then again, I’m terrible at getting viewers. So maybe it’s all just to vent. Get it out of my system.
Well, maybe I should become shameless like the vloggers on Youtube. That seems to work for them.
Leave a constructive critique below. Be warned, as I will do the same in return. All in good fun and learning. Follow my blog if you want to see more critiques of shows and life and stuff. Yes, that last sentence was grammatically incorrect.